Pursuit of Happiness

Another weekend down, I swear sometimes it seems like these things go so quickly.

I often find myself at these crossroads where I decide something drastic like attempting to become celibate or what not, but this is not one of those times. I mean most of you know that usually when I say something like that, I end up failing because well I never have a good reason to stop. I now sit at 48, 48 women, that's pretty intense. I mean I still would like to believe that my future wife can hold a number like 50 because its round, sounds nice, and could be something special. In all actuality, at my current pace, and my current stage in my life, I would have to completely stop having relations with women for the next 5 years if I were to hope that number 50 would be my wife. That or something completely crazy would have to happen and I met the women of my dreams in the next few weeks. I had all but given up this idea of having 50 mean something more to me than any other one, until my buddy Jerry and I had a conversation last night. He made a simple point, just because I want 50 to be my wife, doesn't mean I have to stop there. I could either back track (which every Galfer does from time to time, I mean some courses were just so enjoyable to play you constantly want to go back. I guess in essence it's what every Galfer looks for, otherwise what's the point of playing at all?) or I could just make sure that eventually I went back to 50. It's not like I would lose her once we had relations.

At first I was amazed by this idea, I guess I always figured that for her to be my future wife I would have to never see another girl, but it is almost impossible to think that this would be the case at this stage in my life. But after waking up today, cleaning my room, sitting and thinking for awhile I think that it really doesn't matter. I mean it never did matter really, I just used this notion of 50 being something special to help make me feel better about reaching such a number. But since then I've grown to accept this about myself, I mean its not to say I'm proud of it or anything, I'm not that type of guy and I haven't been doing this to just reach a plateau or outdo anyone else, but I don't think I'm a bad person or been terrible to the people I meet so I don't need to validate myself anymore. I guess it seemed nice to have "Her" be 50, but she can easily be special as 60 or 53 or forbid 100. I really hope I don't like myself get carried away and go all the way to 100, to think of 50 more girls, over my lifetime or not, that just feels excessive. I guess this is just me closing the book on the notion of making any girl, on purpose, be more special than she might be. I'm sure that I will eventually find one to hold over all the others, but I wouldn't want to put any added pressure on either of us by predetermining  her number, although it would still be cool.

To switch gears, some interesting things happened to me this weekend. For one thing the Drake line " I got my next girl, standing with my ex girl, standing with the girl that I'm F***ing right now" actually came to pass. I was in downtown Baltimore, Fed Hill, at Stalking Horse, when at one time I was standing with 45, when a cute girl whom I had been flirting with earlier in the night walked up to where we were standing. Not too long after that, 48, the French Girl, also showed up and flashed me this look. This was really the first time anything like this had happened to me and I think I handled it like a little punk actually ha. I mean when 48 showed up I pretty much ran away, as in I left the area and walked away for awhile wishing she would disappear, which she eventually did. I don't know if this is what it feels like to be confronted by girls you have one night stands with but it definitely makes me not want to do it again. I kid you not so was so mad the last time I saw her I fully expected a physical confrontation with her Ha. I'm thinking I need to find a new bar to go to because that is the place where I met her to begin with. New is almost always better right?

Another thing was that, in the same night actually, I realized that I really rarely have fun with 45 in a group setting. Well let me rephrase that, I actually can have fun with her it just REALLY depends on which friends she's with. This weekend she was with her "I am holding on to a dysfunctional relationship in which the guy is a douche but I still want him and I'll be a debbie downer because I can't let go" friend, and man was that a not fun time. I'm not against relationships, not by any means, but I am against dysfunctional ones. But hey some people like misery so that alone isn't enough to grind my gears. The think I can't really stand is when people project their negative energy on other people and bring the whole environment around them down. If you and your boo are having a hard time, everyone doesn't need to know about it. If its so bad you should deal with it, and then if you're really that upset you shouldn't go out. If you do decide to go out, you have to at least make it so you're going out to forget about the situation you're in, not use it to wallow in your own mess. As you can tell I am not very happy about this whole thing. Anyways in reference to 45, she's the type that let her friends determine what can of person she will be. So naturally when she's with this friend, she was no fun to be around. I mean all I wanted to do was dance, like 1 song or maybe even 2, but they were "Not in the mood" or "not drunk enough" or whatever other stupid reason they just didn't want to have fun, so I hated it.

I was trying to hang out with 45 again because I am a hopeless romantic and believe that relationships can be salvaged into friendships. However, this is not the case with 45. Don't get me wrong, very sweet girl, but as for what I look for in friends just not there, so sad really. I mean just doesn't like the same things as me really, and honestly too dependent socially on others to determine the night. It's like she's a blank canvas and anyone can paint her to be the person they want, almost feel like at times she doesn't have enough self confidence to take over situations. Oh well I guess, you can't win them all, also can't change people. It takes a lifetime to overcome certain parts of people's personalities and even then all you manage to do is live with them that way.

For the first time, I'm ok with letting 45 and her friends go. I am starting to make a nice little network for myself here and I don't have to rely on my first set of relationships to carry me through. Pretty happy about that, and if you don't know what I mean by this then you should read some of my earlier posts, way earlier.

To take another subject turn here, I developed a new theory on relationships. Well not a complete theory, just a thought that I believe from what I've seen over the years. I sincerely believe that every relationship at some point or another is going to face a huge hurdle. It can come in any form and varies but once you're there you'll know it. If this hurdle is NOT a personality one, meaning that its not based on one person's personality or the other, then you more than likely can make it through it AND once you do, your relationship will def be better and stronger from it. What I've noticed is that these hurdles are pretty much either we deal with this or we have to break up kind of things. Anyone who has been in a long term commitment should understand this, because it's only natural when deep emotions and feelings are involved that eventually you get to a point where there's a little conflict. Human nature is to really be at a constant struggle between our ideal situations and the realities we face. Anyways just a thought that I had, no real rhyme or reason to it.

The last topic change. What's the deal with this reunion, no one answer my e-mail question so are we ALL on board or no?