How do you tell someone something that we know is going to hurt? How do we formulate the words in a perfect manner so as to limit the amount of pain that is sure to come? I like to think that I'm pretty good with words, I've spent a good deal of my life convincing people and persuading them to see things my way, but something of this nature never seems to go as planned. It can sound clear cut and perfect in your head, but as soon as you start saying the words, and you look them in the eyes and you can see the pain start to creep in behind them, you can see their throat swell a little bit, their breathing speed up and their heart race. At that moment, "the right thing" you think you're doing doesn't seem all so right after all. Let's take a couple steps back in my mind, to both the beginning and the final moments of my thoughts that led me to this end...
I spent 5 years at college telling myself I wasn't "ready" for or didn't "want" a relationship. Things worked out pretty well for me. I got a big boy job and decided that maybe it was time for me to get a big boy social life as well, a couple of good friends and even a girlfriend. Up to this point Kerry was simply known as "45" and held no real precedent in my thought process.
Time went on a Kerry expressed, in no real direct way, her interests for a relationship and her lack of comfort with the idea of being "untitled" for a long period of time. It was at this point that I decided on a leap of faith. Afterall, how can you really know when you're ready and if it'll work out unless you give it a chance. I knew this girl for over a year and a half and had a couple of good reasons to date her and none not to.
A few months go by and we spend a lot of time together. You know how they say the first couple months are the honeymoon phase? Well it doesn't usually work that way for me at all. My first couple of months always seem to be the trial of "how many things can I find wrong with you that I didn't see before." To clarify, these aren't real things wrong with the girl, just things that go against my "type."
I'll take a little break and explain something to you guys, when I say "my type" what I really mean is an idealistic set of traits that my perfect girlfriend would have. Naturally I don't expect any girl to have all of these qualities, but usually when I have to cross out too many I think it's time I moved on to someone else. They aren't impossible standards either, some examples of things on this list are; someone I'm attracted to, a girl who likes to dance, a girl who shows affection, a girl who expresses her thoughts and feelings, someone who knows what they want and will go for it, not ashamed to be with me, limited insecurities...etc So basically, all of my break-ups have come from a standpoint of me not being able to give up on any more of these traits that I believe my future/potential partner will have.
So the first couple of months I was sad to find that certain key things on my list had be missing. She doesn't like to dance with me (apparently she does like to dance, just not really with me or has to be really in the mood), I didn't care for most of her friends, she wasn't very expressive or affectionate, held things in until she got drunk and blew up....so I was pretty worried at this point. However I'm an optimistic person so I decided to talk things over before making any rash decisions (I should note that she thought I was going to break up with her at this point, I wonder why?). After this talk I waited some more to see if things would change as she said she would try to.
While I waited I decided that maybe I would help her by changing the way I looked at certain things. I gave up on trying to befriend her friends and just became cordial with them to see how things went. I would go out of my way to ask her opinion and feelings on things, and press her to tell me when she was feeling certain ways. This is pretty much the stage of where I was at for the last two weeks or so.
After a phone conversation with a friend, I came to a roadblock question, how much of Kerry was I willing to change for my own good? Like how much of her personality did I want to change and how much could I even change. It came to my attention that there really comes to a certain point when you have to understand the personality of that person, because we are all who we are from our past. There are parts of her that are pretty permanent, they've been there for almost 22 years and I just wasn't comfortable with being the one to try and change them. I had been down that road before, completely transforming myself and someone else for a relationship and well that isn't what it's all about. I believe compromises are a big part of any lasting relationship, but too much compromise and change is deadly.
Tonight my thoughts are: Kerry is a sweetheart. I think she's a lovely girl but at the end of the day she's too nice for me. Not too nice to me or I don't deserve her, but that innocence that is at her core, is something that just doesn't appeal to me really. You guys know I'm not typical nice guy, I've done my wrong and hurt a good number of people, I cannot think that I would corrupt such an innocent soul just to have her not meet my standards later on in life. It sounds weird and makes more sense in my head but that's pretty much what it comes down to. From my own personal standpoint, I'm at the place where I don't feel like giving up certain things anymore, and anything else I would want her to change would just seem like asking too much. I know for a fact that I will not be able to fall in love with her the way she is, my feelings haven't progressed for quite some time now, and once I realize this then there is literally no longer a point in pursuing this kind of relationship.
Now we are back to the beginning of this post, which is the question of how to end it. I will try to explain to her what I explained here, in as nice a way as I can think but will it be good enough? Is there really such a thing as a good break up if it's only one way? I am almost certain that she doesn't feel the same way as me. Tonight only solidifies my belief.
A little anecdote. Last night Kerry had a couple friends over but never asked me to come. Her way of inviting me over, or rather telling me she wanted me to come over was by dropping little hints via text message. One such hint "Phil (the only guy friend of hers I like) is here and wants to see you," The other was a message later in the night "We are going out in Towson (the college town in which I live 5 minutes from)." Tonight when I asked her why she didn't tell me she wanted me to join, when she knew I was at home doing nothing she just said she didn't know if I'd want to? And that she'd try to hint at it with those two messages....Once I explained to her again that that was no good she felt back and apologized with a forced kiss (literally pulled my face in) when she left.
I can honestly say this will be the hardest break-up that I personally have to instigate. March is her birthday month and I know she has all kinds of plans because it's my birthday month too, but the longer I wait the worse it will be. I've tried to hold on to the belief that things will work out but how much waiting before the good times roll. At the end of the day, I rarely have fun when I go out with her in a group setting, and conversations over the phone never feel natural. I guess for all the game I talk to people about being able to let go of something that isn't good for them, it's time I walked the walk.
Goodnight.
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